February 11, 2003 — 2 PM

Like, Omigod!

This web site (link courtesy of Salon) is so unbelievably lame, I don't know where to begin. But I'll try. I could start, for instance, with the notion that a bunch of marketing execs thought "Oh, it's for girls, we should make it pink and flowery." There's also the wholly original and edgy name, Cool 2B Real. And the endless photos with that oh-so-cool-in-1996 high angle perspective.

Really though, what takes the cake -- or in this case, the steak -- is that the true purpose of this site is not to address young female self-esteem issues, but rather to convince pre-teen girls that eating thick, juicy red meat is a primary part of "keepin' it real." (Oh, how I wish I made up that last quote.) Yes, that's right. Big Beef has realized it has a problem, and that problem is the ever-growing throng of young girls who become vegetarians.

So, girls, how do you get "some zip"? Simple, eat more iron, zinc and protein! Of course, you could eat almonds, spinach and dried beans, but how convenient that these three vital elements are bundled into one Zany, Awesome Food!

Before you choke on your McLunch, don't forget to visit the Games section, where you can play (and again, I quote) "Burger Boggle" or "Grillin' & Chillin'".

It's easy to imagine some stogy-munching executive on the Beef Board grinning nefariously over the thought of a new army of proud beefeaters. But the truth is, this was probably just the brainchild of a soulless marketing company, looking to pad its accounts receivable. "It's just like selling veal," said the account rep. "Better to get them while they're young."

Previously: As the Carrot Turns

Subsequently: Hearts

February 2003
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